Blame lists are boring and so is believing in fears. . .come on, we all know they come true, it's time to change the tune

Honestly, I had to turn off Nora Jones. .. she bugs me, the same old same old, all the songs sound alike to me. . .exactly, kinda like my reasons for 'failing', for not acheiving my dreams or for being a success or keeping my house clean. 

"I'm tired."

"I don't have any energy."

"I've got to do this instead." "I got distracted, but I did, so it must have been more important."

And there are older ones: "The pain was so bad today, I could barely even move."  "I processed so much stuff emotionally lately! Wow!"

I try to blame my kiddo too, but, in reality, she 'get's in my way', because I don't put myself in hers as often as she would like to know I care about her.  Oh, sure, I'm home with her, we are together all the time! Sometimes I feel I just don't even want to be touched and I definately do not want to hear, 'who are you calling?' 'what are you doing?' or 'why are you doing that?' I just want to be me and do what I want to do WITH OUT observation. 

So, how does it get to this point? How does it come to her being in my space so much I can't stand it, yet I've made the conscious choice to have her home with me? What was I thinking?! Yet, I know, that, very clearly, not even 2 weeks ago I was absolutely sure this is how I want it to be.  And, actually, I still am. So, that is not the problem. So what is? Is she an overly clingy, needy child? Do I ignore her? Do I spend enough time with her? Is she bored? Am I bored? Am I spending time with her that fulfills her creative needs or stimulates her to be creative? Am I, the one person she shares a constant relationship with, relating to her responsibly?

2 weeks ago-ish, I saw that less computer time was what the doctor ordered. It was time to move on to creative, productive endeavors, to take on making money for my life responsibly and to spend time with my daughter that not only stimulated her, but left her knowing the contentment of knowing what it is like to be with a mother who is fully present, at one with herself, and with joy, doing whatever it is.

Someone said to me the other day that she wished she could be more like men, and just not think sometimes. I'm thinking she also meant, focused on the task at hand, and not dwelling on the hows and whys or getting so distracted by the petty things of life. Now, I would not so easily make it a thing of the sexes, but I do admire that thinking in many ways and yet I also find it limiting.

For example, I can get tunnel vision. I can focus so firmly and narrowly on what I want that nothing else matters, and gets neglected, or I can focus so much on what I don't want, that I get it, and then become frustrated and in denial of what my responsibilities are or can be.

I knew I wanted the above mentioned list and yet in my mind it became something I needed. I WANTED to get back to that conversation, that connection, that facebook stimulation and THAT was far more important than anything else could possibly be. Because, of course, I NEEDED the stimulation of the intellectual conversation, I NEEDED it and was fufilled and felt alive then, so it was ok. 


******


So I spent time on the internet and I spent time on facebook, sharing my thoughts and insights and opinions. ..and I got into arguments and conversations that were unpleasant, where people were being mean to me and saying mean things, and I couldn't take the harsh words, and in fighting the negativism, I became it.  And the more time I spent facing the computer, the more my daughter would lean on me, you know, in that uncomfortable way that starts to hurt and she feels all of her 89+ lbs and I feel invaded and then irritated.  The more time I spend on facebook, the more hear, mom, mom, mom, mom, and the messier the house gets. 

And so I have discovered another government sanctioned drug. . .facebook. And I am addicted.  And it is hurting my family. Do they have FA? I bet it's online.

I know that the problem is not my daughter, and it's not even me. It's in a way of thinking. A thinking that believes I need interaction and conversation with people to feel sane.  That I need their stimulation and support.  That without it, I suffer.  It is the belief that somehow this benefits my life, yet as much as my friends tell me to forget him, I cannot forget the savagery in which I engaged with someone I know I can only care about, along with all others most people find detestable. 

I know it brought about a part of me that acted out of bitterness against myself, against my own weakness and against my own resentment for continually believing in this long held belief that I am a failure.  That, ultimately, I cannot succeed.  That I was not meant to succeed, that was for others, I must be humble and not proud.

And this belief crippled me like a wolf outside the pack desparate for the food that they monopolize. . .she believes the food is theirs and that she is not one of them and therefore does not ultimately deserve it, that she has to beg for it, hope for it, dream that someday she will know she has every right and ability to go get it when she wants it; that this pack is only a pack because they believe they are, because they believe without their pack they will fail, and because they are afraid of this lone wolf, of this, she is unaware, as she is afraid of them, only they don't know they are both afraid. 

All she wishes for is companionship, and often they wish they could stand alone and be at peace, content with themselves. She wishes she could be content with others, and they with her. Each has long doubted, and thus come to believe that they will always be alone and rejected or be needy and obligated.

And so their fears are true.

My fears, all of them, have come true.  My beliefs have perpetuated a long list of failures that I was afraid of and I can name that list pretty well, in fact, too well, and, for me, it's pretty boring, just like that singer I turned off to write. I know I can fail.  I know that I can fear rejection and judgment and that it will happen. I know I can fear being alone and have all the time in the world. I know I can be a lousy mother, and I know I can forget my responsibilities.  I know, because I have believed in them, and thus they have come true.

So, and this is not new thinking, but I need to be refreshed, if I can believe in fears and watch them come true, then I can also believe in my dreams and watch the truth unfold with glory.

Because I know I've always believed some pretty marvelous things about myself, and most of my life have laughed at them, felt silly and foolish and proud. . .and so I shushed them up. No one can be THAT good, Anna, no one can be THAT right all the time, THAT at peace, THAT calm, THAT understanding, creative, inspiring, joyful, talented, capable, lovely, loving, kind and fun! That person doesn't exist. 

And indeed, we hear that message, even from inspirational teachers and leaders, they often clarify, but nobodies perfect, we all have our days, etc.  One of my (non) favorites: "No one wants to see you be happy or succeed."  When I heard that one I grieved deeply, for I knew it was false.

I know this is false, because I want to see you happy and succeed, and because I am all those things I thought no one could be! I have believed, but no longer do, that I must be miserable or in pain to know I am alive.  Now, I know that I am alive because I feel joy, elation, thrill. ..and because I am happy and do what I love and love what I do.  Because I love children, I love seeing them see life and I love being inspired by them. I am thrilled beyond measure, in fact, to bring this 3rd child of mine into my family and I know without a doubt that it is not my last time to do so.  I have the most amazing little girl for a daughter and her delight in life is pure ecstacy! She is already and has been such a loving and gentle big sister. ..the peace that has entered her heart and knowing she will get to actively be a big sister and not from 3000 miles afar is incredible.   It opens something in me that knows now the joy of receiving blessings. 

This child is indeed the beginning of many blessings that I can accept.  Blessings are mine to recieve and I accept.  Including the blessing of me being the incredibly amazing being I am. 

I am love and light and I live well.

My name is Anna and I am a recovering facebook addict and blame list maker, I am responsible for my choices in life and for what I believe. I used to believe that I was worthless, inadequate and born to be a failure, a dissapointment.  Now, I believe that I am brilliant, beyond intelligent, gifted with the patience of an ass, the gentleness of a baby's bottom and the grace the light of the sunshine. I am radiant, joybound and abundantly optimistic.  I am kind and I forgive and I create abundance with persistance and pleasure.

Thank you for supporting me on this journey. ..it is also a delight to see yours shine. .  .namaste'