Blame lists are boring and so is believing in fears. . .come on, we all know they come true, it's time to change the tune

Honestly, I had to turn off Nora Jones. .. she bugs me, the same old same old, all the songs sound alike to me. . .exactly, kinda like my reasons for 'failing', for not acheiving my dreams or for being a success or keeping my house clean. 

"I'm tired."

"I don't have any energy."

"I've got to do this instead." "I got distracted, but I did, so it must have been more important."

And there are older ones: "The pain was so bad today, I could barely even move."  "I processed so much stuff emotionally lately! Wow!"

I try to blame my kiddo too, but, in reality, she 'get's in my way', because I don't put myself in hers as often as she would like to know I care about her.  Oh, sure, I'm home with her, we are together all the time! Sometimes I feel I just don't even want to be touched and I definately do not want to hear, 'who are you calling?' 'what are you doing?' or 'why are you doing that?' I just want to be me and do what I want to do WITH OUT observation. 

So, how does it get to this point? How does it come to her being in my space so much I can't stand it, yet I've made the conscious choice to have her home with me? What was I thinking?! Yet, I know, that, very clearly, not even 2 weeks ago I was absolutely sure this is how I want it to be.  And, actually, I still am. So, that is not the problem. So what is? Is she an overly clingy, needy child? Do I ignore her? Do I spend enough time with her? Is she bored? Am I bored? Am I spending time with her that fulfills her creative needs or stimulates her to be creative? Am I, the one person she shares a constant relationship with, relating to her responsibly?

2 weeks ago-ish, I saw that less computer time was what the doctor ordered. It was time to move on to creative, productive endeavors, to take on making money for my life responsibly and to spend time with my daughter that not only stimulated her, but left her knowing the contentment of knowing what it is like to be with a mother who is fully present, at one with herself, and with joy, doing whatever it is.

Someone said to me the other day that she wished she could be more like men, and just not think sometimes. I'm thinking she also meant, focused on the task at hand, and not dwelling on the hows and whys or getting so distracted by the petty things of life. Now, I would not so easily make it a thing of the sexes, but I do admire that thinking in many ways and yet I also find it limiting.

For example, I can get tunnel vision. I can focus so firmly and narrowly on what I want that nothing else matters, and gets neglected, or I can focus so much on what I don't want, that I get it, and then become frustrated and in denial of what my responsibilities are or can be.

I knew I wanted the above mentioned list and yet in my mind it became something I needed. I WANTED to get back to that conversation, that connection, that facebook stimulation and THAT was far more important than anything else could possibly be. Because, of course, I NEEDED the stimulation of the intellectual conversation, I NEEDED it and was fufilled and felt alive then, so it was ok. 


******


So I spent time on the internet and I spent time on facebook, sharing my thoughts and insights and opinions. ..and I got into arguments and conversations that were unpleasant, where people were being mean to me and saying mean things, and I couldn't take the harsh words, and in fighting the negativism, I became it.  And the more time I spent facing the computer, the more my daughter would lean on me, you know, in that uncomfortable way that starts to hurt and she feels all of her 89+ lbs and I feel invaded and then irritated.  The more time I spend on facebook, the more hear, mom, mom, mom, mom, and the messier the house gets. 

And so I have discovered another government sanctioned drug. . .facebook. And I am addicted.  And it is hurting my family. Do they have FA? I bet it's online.

I know that the problem is not my daughter, and it's not even me. It's in a way of thinking. A thinking that believes I need interaction and conversation with people to feel sane.  That I need their stimulation and support.  That without it, I suffer.  It is the belief that somehow this benefits my life, yet as much as my friends tell me to forget him, I cannot forget the savagery in which I engaged with someone I know I can only care about, along with all others most people find detestable. 

I know it brought about a part of me that acted out of bitterness against myself, against my own weakness and against my own resentment for continually believing in this long held belief that I am a failure.  That, ultimately, I cannot succeed.  That I was not meant to succeed, that was for others, I must be humble and not proud.

And this belief crippled me like a wolf outside the pack desparate for the food that they monopolize. . .she believes the food is theirs and that she is not one of them and therefore does not ultimately deserve it, that she has to beg for it, hope for it, dream that someday she will know she has every right and ability to go get it when she wants it; that this pack is only a pack because they believe they are, because they believe without their pack they will fail, and because they are afraid of this lone wolf, of this, she is unaware, as she is afraid of them, only they don't know they are both afraid. 

All she wishes for is companionship, and often they wish they could stand alone and be at peace, content with themselves. She wishes she could be content with others, and they with her. Each has long doubted, and thus come to believe that they will always be alone and rejected or be needy and obligated.

And so their fears are true.

My fears, all of them, have come true.  My beliefs have perpetuated a long list of failures that I was afraid of and I can name that list pretty well, in fact, too well, and, for me, it's pretty boring, just like that singer I turned off to write. I know I can fail.  I know that I can fear rejection and judgment and that it will happen. I know I can fear being alone and have all the time in the world. I know I can be a lousy mother, and I know I can forget my responsibilities.  I know, because I have believed in them, and thus they have come true.

So, and this is not new thinking, but I need to be refreshed, if I can believe in fears and watch them come true, then I can also believe in my dreams and watch the truth unfold with glory.

Because I know I've always believed some pretty marvelous things about myself, and most of my life have laughed at them, felt silly and foolish and proud. . .and so I shushed them up. No one can be THAT good, Anna, no one can be THAT right all the time, THAT at peace, THAT calm, THAT understanding, creative, inspiring, joyful, talented, capable, lovely, loving, kind and fun! That person doesn't exist. 

And indeed, we hear that message, even from inspirational teachers and leaders, they often clarify, but nobodies perfect, we all have our days, etc.  One of my (non) favorites: "No one wants to see you be happy or succeed."  When I heard that one I grieved deeply, for I knew it was false.

I know this is false, because I want to see you happy and succeed, and because I am all those things I thought no one could be! I have believed, but no longer do, that I must be miserable or in pain to know I am alive.  Now, I know that I am alive because I feel joy, elation, thrill. ..and because I am happy and do what I love and love what I do.  Because I love children, I love seeing them see life and I love being inspired by them. I am thrilled beyond measure, in fact, to bring this 3rd child of mine into my family and I know without a doubt that it is not my last time to do so.  I have the most amazing little girl for a daughter and her delight in life is pure ecstacy! She is already and has been such a loving and gentle big sister. ..the peace that has entered her heart and knowing she will get to actively be a big sister and not from 3000 miles afar is incredible.   It opens something in me that knows now the joy of receiving blessings. 

This child is indeed the beginning of many blessings that I can accept.  Blessings are mine to recieve and I accept.  Including the blessing of me being the incredibly amazing being I am. 

I am love and light and I live well.

My name is Anna and I am a recovering facebook addict and blame list maker, I am responsible for my choices in life and for what I believe. I used to believe that I was worthless, inadequate and born to be a failure, a dissapointment.  Now, I believe that I am brilliant, beyond intelligent, gifted with the patience of an ass, the gentleness of a baby's bottom and the grace the light of the sunshine. I am radiant, joybound and abundantly optimistic.  I am kind and I forgive and I create abundance with persistance and pleasure.

Thank you for supporting me on this journey. ..it is also a delight to see yours shine. .  .namaste'

Moving forward- better than stagnation anyway

Good morning on this chilly Maine day.  I didn't write yesterday, and I'd rather focus on what I did do. . .finished caulking the bathroom and painted it along with a 3rd needed layer on the kitchen. I also painted over those nasty tiles in the bathroom that the landlord's wife, for some reason was so proud about. .I personally wonder why she wasted her time, and since I'm the one who has to look them, I changed them!

Dishes still need to be washed and some things put away or thrown out, but I've got other things to focus on today. I get to buy groceries for one thing. Yes, I'm so poor right now that food stamps and the occasional bits of cash along with the good stuff from food pantries keeps us fed.  And today, is food stamp day! So I get to go shopping. . after my appointment with the Doula!

So, organizing my life isn't just about getting it clean and keeping it that way, though I am excited to NOT feel swamped by the clean up after a remodeling adventure.  I have money to make, literally, with my sewing machine, and a daughter to encourage in stimulating her creative mind along with math. And this baby and my well-being are important factors to keep in mind.  My personal peace within is of much importance to me. Lately that has involved clearing out of my life negative people who would attempt to bring me down, to judge me, criticize me rudely (I'm all for honest thoughts on issues and differences of opinion, but don't tell me my opinion is BS just because you can't understand it!). So, that hasn't been easy as I like to have peace with people. . .but, just as with extra furniture and  old crap from highschool, I am better off without it.

When you clear out stuff, you either leave space for good clear space or for something beautiful to fill it. That has been aiding me in clearing out.

I notice I struggle to get to bed early. Not that I'm not tired, but that I relish the time alone from my daughter.  So, I've got to compromise there as I am struggling to rise at 7 when I go to bed by 11. I am thankful for the good rest I got last night even if I got up before 8.  Tonight my goal is for early as tomorrow there is a gathering to which I have been greatly looking forward to and it will keep us up late.

In these long cold winters being able to be around people is truly a treasure, even if you know there will be some toxic people there.. hey, I don't have to talk to them. :)  But I do get to talk to people who are good! yay!!

So, onto a breakfast of rice, beans and eggs, grocery list making and the doula. . . .oh ya, and gotta return the movies from the library! Thanks for the reminder. :)

It's a Challenge! Upleveling while upgrading.

Ah! So, my mother came over yesterday and we improved the topical looks of parts of the kitchen and bathroom incredibly, and yet, while doing this improvement, we also made quite a mess. 

I look at the schedule that I've made for us to aspire to and find that it is still something to attain. I have work to do, for example, and must let the cleaning to be done, lie.  .it will wait for me, I have no doubts.

As for getting up at 7 am, I'm getting closer. I mean, this morning, when I saw that it was 7:10, I said to myself, right on up, I'm up. .. next thing I know it's 8 on the dot and wow was that a heavy sleep! So the prego mommy in me says, you needed it, chill and get up now, and I did.

Getting to bed earlier is the key, and I've been doing that for a couple of nights, last night, before 9pm. And I slept most of it. My goal is to get up by 7, as soon my radio show will be airing at 9.

I'm having a lesson in patience and letting be. . .that to work towards this schedule is better than being stagnent with no goal. And it excites me. I'm thrilled, for example, that today I have work that will bring me money that I can get to as soon as I finish here. .then I can pay my landlord and he can pay the plumber for the new pump thingy tank we had to have. .. and that reminds me to be thankful for my landlord for understanding this. The situation being that for whatever reasons, it is best not to receive child support from my daughter's father- I can do this on my own and I will!

With much support and will I have decided that this is my time, I can own it and I can do it!

So, here goes. ..

What have we here? From chaos to order. ..one step at a time.

They say there is a time for all things under the sun, a time for joy and a time for sorrow, a time for pain and a time for laughter and all that. .. well, there must also be a time for tidy and a time for clutter, for without one, we wouldn't know so well the other.

Growing up in a fastidiously organized home, I still wonder how that happened, I found myself appalled to see my house in a continual state of chaos and with that appallation came judgment from that inner voice that said I was a failure.

A failure! A failure?! The other voices chimed in, how could I be a failure!? Look at your life woman! Look and see what has happened, look where you are, look at what you have overcome! You are alive aren't you!? Then, goshmdarnit ease up woman and let it be!

So I did. I agreed that I could be no better than where I was and that what I could do was to continually grow in presence and in that inner place of peace of mind would grow the outer expression of it.

And it has.

And here we are.

The house stays in a relatively clean state and things seem to be in locations that work for order, or moving closer to that. So, now, for the order of a life to be maintained there must be a schedule, a routine of some sort, a purpose in this existance that is mine.

Allright, for you, the reader: these things you must know. I am the solo adult in this house and I work out of my home, I also dally with a radio show on the university campus, am unschooling my 9 year old daughter and am expecting another child in July. I have come to a place where I actually want order back in my life, in our lives. I value what can be accomplished when things are organized and how much easier life is.  I am at a place where I know I can do this, and some important things must be accomplished, not in a year's time, but in less than 6 months.

By the time this baby is born I expect to be in a routine that supports a productive and proactive life. I have goals for my work and for educating my daughter and for this house. And I have the desire to use this blog as an opportunity to keep myself accountable.

Order and organization require consistancy and awareness and with a blog I will need to maintain daily it will help me with that. I know I can do this, in fact, it excites me. I have so many dreams and this place is the springboard from which to leap and soar into them. ...